


will you just shut the shell up already

by s34dw3ll3r



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-24
Updated: 2012-12-24
Packaged: 2017-11-22 05:10:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/606163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s34dw3ll3r/pseuds/s34dw3ll3r
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>headcanon: dualscar always used to try to impress condy and he'd flirt with her and shed be like yo get yo rachet bass out my face but secretly she thinks he's a cutie</p>
            </blockquote>





	will you just shut the shell up already

there was a reason you hated going to your own imperial dinners. Yes, they were full of bad food, sweaty nobles and stuck up highbloods, but no one was worse than Orphaner Dualsar. Every time you caught his eye he would chat you up about some unimportant military campaign, how he killed a slew of gamblingnats, how he culled a bunch of low bloods, blah blah blah. He was without a doubt THE MOST insufferable, talkative, bothersome, attractive, insubordinate prick you’d had the misfortune of meeting.

oh, speak of the devil.

“oh hello condy! fancy seeing you here” he reached for your hand to kiss your ring like a smug son of a bitch  
“what do you mean fancy seain me here. this is my palace. i threw this dinner”  
he looked stunned. “wvell, i meant here uh… on the ballroom floor. i didnt take you for the wvaltz kind of gal. may i havwe this dance?”  
You almost slapped him for his nerve. In stead, you rolled your eyes and smirked. “fin, this otter be fun”

The song may not have been your favorite, but you were still enjoying yourself. As much as you hated to admit it, he was an excellent dancer for an admiral. The two of you swayed and spun around the dancefloor as he held you fast to his chest, his violet gaze never leaving your face. Ew. He was practically giddy at the opportunity of dancing with you and he wasn’t very good at hiding it. When the song ended, he followed you back to the table and took a seat right next to you.

You’re pretty sure he just moved his chair a bit closer to yours. Wow, pathetic.  
You were so busy thinking about what a nuisance he was that you hardly heard him bebbering about some unimportant shit. “-oh you should havwe seen those filthy mud blood slavwes cowver in fear wvhen I came in! I culled the wvhole lot of them after that”  
“dualscar”  
“yes, m’lady?”  
“why the fuck would you krill the slaves before the bluebloods even got to SEA them?”  
“they wvere speaking negativwely about your rule, wvhat else wvas i supposed to do?  
“i dont give a dolphin flippin through a ring a shit what theyre glubbin aboat. that was counterproductive and i otter demote you to fuckin cabin buoy”  
“a thousand apologies, empress. its just that i wvas so furious wvhen I heard someone speak slander about the most beautiful, intelligent ruler that alternia has evwer seen I had to do something”  
you sighed  
“dont do it again”

dinner was starting and everyone began exiting the dancefloor to take their seats at the table. When your moirail saw Dualscar next to you, he glared at him like he was scum on the sidewalk. “Is he bothering you?” your eyebrows shot up when you realized what he was talking about. “oh him? no he was just tellin me aboat uh… somefin…about ships i dont minnow” You felt a little bad because he looked genuinely hurt after you admitted to not really listening. Your moirail took the other seat next to you, probably because it was across from Dualscar so he could leap across the table and decapitate him whenever he felt the need. You could tell that Orphaner was intimidated, because let’s be real here, The Grad Highblood could decimate him. Not only would he decimate him, but he would paint a mural with his blood and floss with his spine. He would be an idiot not to be a bit frightened while making flushed advances at this guys moirail.

The waiterrors hadn’t even brought out the appetizers when dualscar started his antics yet again. You had to at least pretend to not want to punch him in the face or subjuggypoo would strangle him for being an annoyance. To properly feign your interest, you were forced to maintain eye contact and smile at him, which he must have taken as you giving a fuck.  
“-redglare’s lusus could evwen blowv all that fire. I must havwe taken out a third of Mindfang’s fleet”  
“if only you’d do that shit to the spider bitch herself. Ya know I wouldn’t be talkin about my failure to kill marquise in front of the empress if I was you. ain’t nobody care that she’s your little black heart, you’re disobeying orders.”  
the Highblood practically snarled his comment. As valid as his point was, there was one statement in particular that peeked your interest  
you narrowed your eyes as you turned to him “your kismetfish?” you said with a sip of your drink  
“yeah, didn’t you know? that’s why he hasn’t done away with the hag yet.”  
your eyebrows shot up but your gaze never left his nervous face “reely, thats interesting”  
“my feelings for her don’t fucking matter, subjuggelator. the only thing keeping that retched bitch from a wvatery gravwe is her allusivweness. the condesc knowvs that I’d sacrifice any relationship of mine to make her happy”  
the Grand Highblood cracked a smile as he looked at you  
“sounds like he’s a troll after your own heart”  
just when you thought the atmosphere couldn’t get any more uncomfortable, Dualscar opened his stupid maw and let more idiotic dribble tumble out  
“and id need more luck than a gamblingnat for her to let me havwe it”  
“ima reely let you have it if you dont shut the shell up”  
your face was turning furiously fuchsia and you could literally feel the air getting thicker. The rest of the dinner continued on in silence, sans the few moments when Dualscar piped up about another military victory, only to be met with a disinterested glance from Grand Highblood. He was either making all of these stories up or he was a spectacular leader. Either way, you couldn’t help but be a little impressed by his story telling abilities. Normally you couldn’t care less about army drama, as long as the kingdom was victorious, but he made every detail fit in and it felt like you were really on board the ship with him, sailing alongside him with his arms around you and-  
oh hold the fuck up you are not having those thoughts  
You were so lost in your daydream that you didnt notice the cobalt blood making a toast at the other end of the table until your moirail kicked your leg.  
all you could muster was a tired sounding “hm?”  
“I was just toasting to the conquering of Xenon-563, your highness”  
“oh yeah uh here here” You raised your chalice and glanced at Dualscar, who winked at you. 

 

The clock struck 10 and all of the guests were slowly making their way to the exit. All except Dualscar, who unsurprisingly lingered around to chat you up. “i really enjoyed the dinner, thankyou for the invwitation.”  
you snorted  
“well it aint like ima just not invite the third admiral to a dinner honorin one a his achievements”  
“the dinner wvas for the achievwement of your empire as a wvhole, not just my personal exploits”  
“whale methinks you an your exploits deserve an individual award then”  
“oh really? perhaps another dinner, but just for the twvo of us”  
you leaned in and kissed him before he had time to think of a smug, pretentious retort.

in the background, you swore you could hear your moirail scream “someone gon get the d tonight”


End file.
